


Dancing on My Own

by A_Tale_of_Two_Comics



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes & Steve Rogers Friendship, Bucky Barnes - Freeform, Bucky Barnes Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Fluff, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes and the 21st Century, Domestic Avengers, F/M, Feels, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Grief, Loss, Love, Marvel Universe, Marvel series, Modern Bucky Barnes, POV Bucky Barnes, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Civil War (Marvel), Protective Bucky Barnes, Reader-Insert, Smut, Steve Rogers Angst, Steve Rogers Feels, bucky barnes in love, bucky barnes series, bucky barnes story, steve rogers - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-07
Updated: 2017-09-24
Packaged: 2018-09-30 04:15:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10153454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Tale_of_Two_Comics/pseuds/A_Tale_of_Two_Comics
Summary: Bucky Barnes never imagined himself falling in love with anyone, especially his best friend’s girl. While he had harbored secret feelings for you over the last few years he had always told himself if it was meant to happen it would. You were one of his closest friends, and the thought of losing you because of his own feelings paralyzed him. He hadn’t planned on Steve building up the sudden courage to ask you out on a casual date. Even as your relationship with Steve progressed Bucky held out hope that you would realize Steve wasn’t the man for you. Of course his plans were shot to hell when Steve decided to surprise everyone and propose to you on your birthday. Had he missed his shot, or would he be willing to risk both of his closest friendships in hopes of winning your heart?





	1. The Proposal

Bucky sighed to himself as he turned back to the bar. He couldn’t continue to watch Steve twirling you on the dance floor – or the way you looked at Steve as you smiled brightly at him. He felt sick to his stomach with jealousy. He drained his glass of scotch and grimaced as he internally chastised himself for thinking of his best friend’s girl.

“I told you – you should have said something to her years ago,” Nat’s voice rang out beside him.

“Easier said than done,” he muttered miserably as he turned to look at the spectacle yet again. Steve had thrown you a surprise birthday party with all of your closest friends, and you were having the time of your life. “I just…” Bucky stopped himself before he could finish his sentence. It was bad enough to think it – he couldn’t bring himself to say it too.

“I know,” Nat replied softly with a sad smile as she placed her hand over Bucky’s. She had been the only person he had confided his feelings to when he was no longer able to keep them to himself. Of course he should have just manned up and told you to begin with. Maybe if he had done so he would be the one dancing with you and not Steve. Bucky groaned as he ran his hands through his hair.

“Come on Barnes,” Nat replied as she grabbed ahold of his hand.

“Where are we going?” he asked puzzled.

“I’m taking you dancing,” she replied with a grin as he reluctantly followed her to the dance floor.

* * *

You were having the time of your life as Steve twirled you around. “Okay, stop stop!” You squealed, completely out of breath, as he brought your body close to his. “Some of us aren’t super soldiers!” you laughed as Steve chuckled. “Where’s Bucky?” you asked concerned as you scanned the dance floor.

“Over there with Nat,” Steve responded as he threw his chin in the direction of his best friend, who was laughing as he twirled Nat around. You felt a sudden pang of jealousy that you quickly swallowed down. You reasoned with yourself that you were just being protective of your best friend.

“How long has that been going on?” You asked – not masking your annoyance as well as you had hoped.

Steve laughed. “Buck’s a grown man – he can take care of himself Y/N. I assure you,” he responded as he squeezed you tightly to him.

You had been with Steve for over a year now, and most of it had been great. He was always the gentleman, and always went out of his way to go the extra mile. He was quite the fan of grand romantic gestures – which you appreciated. However, even with how great Steve had been you couldn’t help but feel like something was missing. You had been trying to bury that nagging feeling desperately – how could something be missing when you were dating Captain America? There was just no way. Nevertheless, you were completely shocked when the music stopped, and Steve went down on one knee to the gasps of your friends.

* * *

Bucky froze at the sight of Steve lowering himself. “This cannot be fucking happening,” he muttered as Natasha crashed into him with an audible “Hey!”

“Oh shit,” Nat whispered as she followed Bucky’s gaze.

More than anything Bucky wanted to disappear. He couldn’t believe what was unfolding before him as Steve fished out a small box from his pocket and opened it to the oooohs and ahhhs of the crowd. Bucky’s eyes met yours and he swallowed hard. For a split second he noticed that your eyes seemed glazed over with fear – not excitement like those around you, and he silently prayed that the next words out of your mouth would be “No.”


	2. The Answer

 

Bucky had been paralyzed with fear as he watched you adjust from the shock of Steve’s surprise to shaking your head yes as Steve slid the ring on your finger. Once he was able to move again he meandered his way back to the bar. As a friend he wanted to be happy for you both – to congratulate you even, but he just couldn’t bring himself to fake it. You found him still at the bar an hour later after you quietly slipped away from Steve’s side to let him fend for himself with the last of the well-wishers.

The sound of your voice caused Bucky to jump slightly as you slid into the chair beside him. As he turned to look at you, you couldn’t help but notice that his smile didn’t quite reach his bloodshot eyes. “Buck, what have you been drinking?” you asked as you grabbed his glass to take a sniff. The smell of the amber liquid actually took your breath away.

“Thor’s secret stash,” he replied with a wink. He paused awkwardly as his smile slipped slightly. “So I guess congratulations are in order?” he asked. You had an odd feeling that Bucky was less than thrilled with the new developments of your relationship with Steve. You smiled tightly at his loaded question. You still weren’t sure what had compelled you to shake your head ‘yes’ to Steve. You loved him, sure, but you didn’t feel that butterfly feeling that you always thought you would when you saw him go down on one knee.

“I suppose so,” you tried to respond casually but it seemed too forced. Bucky immediately picked up on your tone.

“What is it?” he asked as he narrowed his eyes.

“It’s nothing,” you assured him. It felt more like you were trying to assure yourself than Bucky when you responded. You just couldn’t shake the feeling of panic that had enveloped you since you had said yes.

“It’s obviously something,” Bucky remarked with a shrug as he brought his glass to his lips. It was next to impossible to lie to Bucky, but that didn’t mean you had to tell him the truth – you reasoned with yourself that you were obviously just emotional and tired.

“So you and Nat?” you trailed off in silence – waiting for Bucky to respond.

Bucky stiffened suddenly – his eyebrows arching in question before realization spread across his face. “I don’t know,” he shrugged as he answered gruffly. You could tell he was in one of his moods so it would be impossible to get a straight answer from him.

You felt a pang of jealousy again – which you tried to quell to no avail. Why the hell were you concerned with Bucky’s love life after just getting engaged to the man of your dreams? “Buck, just be careful,” you warned as you squeezed his hand.

He half-laughed as he cocked his head sideways. “I think I’ll manage doll,” he replied before downing the rest of his glass. “You’re deflecting though,” he added with a grin.

“Deflecting what?” You asked as the bartender placed a drink in front of you. You swirled the amber liquid in the glass as you looked down. You knew you couldn’t bullshit Bucky, and he was certainly on to you.

“Are you happy?” he whispered softly next to you. The change in his voice made you look up into his eyes. You couldn’t help but notice that they seemed remarkably sad. The sight made your breath catch in your throat causing you to swallow hard.

“Are you?” you asked in return – forgetting about your own worries for a moment as you studied your friend’s face.

“You can’t answer a question with another question,” Bucky snorted as he looked at you. “Are you… happy?” he asked as he slid his hand over yours – the warmth of his presence immediately enveloping it.

You didn’t know why you couldn’t answer the question directly. Maybe it had something to do with the amount of champagne you had drank earlier, the endless congratulations from the partygoers, or maybe it was the look on your best friend’s face that uncomfortably squeezed at your heart. Regardless of what it was – you couldn’t bring yourself to say yes. “Steve’s a great guy. I’m lucky,” you responded with a tightlipped smile. Bucky didn’t seem convinced but had the good grace to drop the subject.

“Well I’m happy if you’re happy,” he responded with a smile. “Hey – how about a dance, birthday girl?” he asked with a sly grin.

“Bucky you hate dancing!”

“Not with you,” he replied with a grin as he hopped off the barstool and offered you his hand. You took it without hesitation and he led you to the dance floor. He brought you close to him wrapping one of his hands around yours and resting the other on the small of your back. You could tell that he had had quite a bit to drink by how comfortable he was. He looked down at you with a grin before he whispered, “You look beautiful tonight.” There was a reverence in his voice that made you blush as you rested your head on his chest.

“Buck?” you asked quietly.

“Hmm?”

“Will you promise me something?”

“Anything doll,” he whispered. His heart raced at your question and he prayed silently that you couldn’t hear it.

“Promise me you’ll always be here?” you asked as you lifted your head to look up at him.

He smiled at this – a real smile – where the corner of his eyes crinkled. Those were always your favorite. “I promise, doll,” he whispered as he planted a kiss on your forehead. You hugged him tightly in response. Bucky was always the one that kept you grounded and you worried that your engagement would somehow push him away.

“Mind if I cut in?” Steve asked. Bucky’s grasp on you tightened before he smiled and let you go. You watched over Steve’s shoulder as Bucky made his way back to the bar to sit next to Nat.

“What was that about?” Steve whispered in your ear, causing you to snap out of your internal monologue.

“He was just congratulating me,” you answered with a smile as you looked up at your fiancée.

“Are you happy?” Steve whispered into your ear as he held your body tightly to his.

“The happiest,” you whispered back before planting a chaste kiss on his lips.

* * *

“I know that look, Barnes,” Nat warned as she eyed Bucky suspiciously.

“What look?” he asked playfully – trying in vain to shake Nat’s suspicion.

“That look you get when you’re about to do something incredibly stupid. What are you thinking?” she asked hesitantly – afraid of the answer.

“I’m thinking I’m going to steal my best friend’s girl,” Bucky answered with a grimace as he drained the rest of his glass.

 


	3. The Call

“Bucky,” you sighed as you rolled your eyes. Your best friend was currently sprawled out on the couch – drunk off his ass and sound asleep. 

“Y/N,” he muttered as he groped the air sleepily for your hand. You obliged him and he grabbed hold of it tightly before dragging you to the couch beside him. You laughed breathlessly as he held you tightly to him. “Mmm,” he muttered as he nuzzled his head into your hair.

“Come on you lush, we’ve gotta get you home,” you laughed as you stumbled back to your feet. Bucky opened an eye cautiously and groaned.

“Can’t I stay here?” he mumbled grumpily.

You laughed at this as you yanked on his hand. Of course you couldn’t actually get him to stand up if he didn’t want to – you certainly weren’t that strong. Luckily you had Steve, who walked over to you tugging at his friend’s arm in vain with a grin. “Need help?” he chuckled.

“Good luck with that,” you snorted as you dropped Bucky’s arm and moved out of the way.

“Up and at ‘em, pal,” Steve yelled as he hoisted his friend to his feet.

Bucky moaned at the action. “You’re such a punk,” he muttered under his breath.

“Mhm, whatever you say, Buck. You think you can get to the apartment if Y/N helps you? It’s just around the block,” Steve asked – uneasy about the steadiness of his friend’s feet. “Fury called – mission,” Steve mouthed silently to your inquiring eyes. You nodded silently in return – if Bucky knew the others were going on a mission he would insist on going, but right now he couldn’t walk in a straight line.

“Sure Stevie,” Bucky slurred before wrapping his arm around your shoulder and shuffling his feet clumsily with yours as you made your way out of the venue.

* * *

“Oh seriously Y/N – I’m not THAT drunk,” Bucky mumbled as he crashed headfirst onto the couch. You let out a sigh of relief as you sat on the floor by the couch. Having to navigate down two blocks in Brooklyn with an intoxicated super soldier was harder than it sounded. Bucky turned over with a huff and looked at you through his lashes – a sheepish grin spreading across his face.

“What?” You asked flustered as you laughed.

“Did you have a good birthday?” he whispered quietly.

“The best in recorded history,” you grinned at him as you responded.

“I’m sorry,” he grimaced as he turned away from you to stare at the ceiling.

“About what?”

“Getting drunk and falling asleep at your party. I guess I am just an old man after all,” he snorted as he grinned at the ceiling. You laughed at this. Bucky always had a way of making you smile even when you were exhausted or terrified of the future. The thought pulled you back to the turmoil that had threatened to surface all night. You sighed to yourself before getting up. You had almost reached the doorway to your room when Bucky’s voice rang out. “Doll?”

“Yeah, Buck?” you asked as you turned to see him sitting up on the couch.

He paused for a moment. It was obvious that there was something that he wanted to say, but he suddenly reasoned himself out of it. “Happy Birthday,” he smiled before laying back down.

* * *

Bucky sighed to himself as he stared at the ceiling. He hadn’t been this drunk in years and he silently cursed himself for acting like a total fool. He could hear you in the other room as you readied yourself for bed. The temptation was there – to burst through your bedroom door and press you hard against his body as he kissed you like his life depended on it. The thought caused his body to respond in ways that surprised him, but he wouldn’t act on it. He had too much to lose by rushing headlong into his confession to you. He sighed again as he turned on his side – this was going to be next to impossible.

Maybe he was better off having you as a friend than not having you at all. His heart ached at the thought. He knew he was treading on dangerous ground. Steve had been a brother to him for the better part of ninety years, but even then – he couldn’t help but hope for things to not work in Steve’s favor – just this once.

He was faced with an impossible task – to be the man you deserved and lose you to his best friend, or to be the man he knew he was and lose his best friend in the process.

* * *

You padded softly from the bedroom to to living room to check on the sleeping form nestled on your couch. Steve had texted you to let you know that he was going to be gone with the others for at least a week which meant you had plenty of quality time with your best friend ahead of you – as long as he didn’t die from alcohol poisoning first. You sighed with relief as you neared the couch. He was peacefully asleep— with his hair sprayed messily across his face, and his lips slightly parted. You couldn’t help yourself as you reached out to gently brush his hair from his face. A small smile turned up the corners of his lips as he raised his hand and nimbly placed his fingers over yours. You laughed as you shook your head at him – unable to even be annoyed that he was pretending to be asleep. “How long have you been awake, punk?”

“Long enough,” he grinned as he peeked through his lashes. “Why don’t you take a picture next time? It will last longer,” he teased as he pulled you down onto the couch – wrapping his arms around you as you snuggled beside him. You had always been affectionate with Bucky – it was part of your friendship. As he hummed into your hair you couldn’t help but relax into his embrace. His warmth was intoxicating, and after a long night of tossing and turning while you waited for Steve— you embraced it. Steve – the thought of him made you feel guilty immediately, but you weren’t sure why. You sat up with a sigh as Bucky propped himself up on his elbows to look at you. “You okay?” he asked as he stared at you.

“I’m not sure,” you muttered as you pushed off the couch and walked towards your room.

Bucky watched you closely before getting up from the couch with a groan and following you. He lingered at your doorway, casually leaning on the frame. “What’s going on with you?” he whispered.

You shrugged as you threw yourself back on the bed. “I have no idea, Buck. I just… I don’t know….” The buzz of your cellphone cut off your confession to your best friend. You had wanted to tell him that something didn’t feel right. You had wanted to tell him about the crippling anxiety that had descended upon you after you had said “yes” to Steve’s proposal, but as you brought your phone to your ear and heard your father’s panic stricken voice everything you had meant to say melted into oblivion.


	4. The Flight

 

Bucky watched as your eyes glazed over with panic.

“What do you mean?!” You shouted as you jumped to your feet and began pacing absentmindedly. “Okay… okay… But did they?” You paused for a moment as you listened to your father on the other side of the line.

“Doll?” Bucky asked as he moved towards you but you held up your hand – effectively freezing him in his tracks. In all the years he had known you he had never witnessed you this upset.

“Okay – no, no. I’ll be there soon,” you replied as you furrowed your brows in concentration. “I love you too, dad.” With this you took the phone from your ear and stared blankly at Bucky.

“Doll, what’s wrong?” he asked as he held your hands in his.

“I… I can’t breathe,” you managed to choke out before Bucky enveloped your shaking body with his warm embrace.

“I’m here… Doll tell me what’s wrong,” he soothed as he rubbed his hands softly on your back.

“My mom… she’s um… she’s sick, Buck. I have to get home,” you sputtered out as you broke from the embrace to begin walking around the bedroom as you searched frantically for your luggage. “I was supposed to fly out next week… I… I don’t know how I’m even going to get a ticket now,” you muttered as you finally found the luggage on the top shelf of your closet.

“Doll,” Bucky breathed into your ear as he wrapped his arms around you. “Go sit down – I will take care of it,” he added as he pulled you gently to your bed.

You sat on the bed dumbfounded as Bucky carefully packed all the things he knew you would need or want. Even in your haze of panic you couldn’t help but notice how well he knew you. You were glad he was with you – glad that for once someone could do the thinking for you, and not pester you about if you were okay like Steve would. You swallowed hard – immediately feeling guilty for comparing your fiancé to his best friend. “Doll?” Bucky’s voice broke your concentration as you blinked and looked up at him. “I’m going to my room to pack. I’ll be right back. I’ve already texted your work to let them know you won’t be coming in this week,” he explained before leaving the room.

Within an hour you were taking off in one of the quinjets from Stark Tower. Bucky had persuaded you that it would be a quicker way of getting to your small hometown. You had relented – deciding to let Bucky make the decisions so you could focus on mentally preparing yourself for what you were about to face.

* * *

“Y/N,” Bucky whispered softly as he grasped your shoulders. He didn’t really have the heart to wake you – you had fallen asleep just after leaving New York –he knew the late night, and stress of the news about your mother had exhausted you. He thought that the landing in the small field next to your house in rural Kansas would wake you, but it hadn’t. As much as he wished he could let you sleep – he knew he would just be prolonging the inevitable. “Doll, you need to wake up,” he whispered softly as he stroked the hair from your face.

“Steve?” you murmured. You had been dreaming about Steve, Bucky, and someone being sick, but the haze of sleep kept you from remembering. The sound of Steve’s name on your lips caused Bucky to flinch which prompted you to open your eyes. “Bucky? I’m sorry… I was dreaming… I… are we here already?” you asked as you rubbed your eyes wearily.

Bucky tried his best to swallow his reaction. Now was not the time to be jealous – he was here for you in the absence of his best friend, and the man you loved. “We just landed. I called your sister and she told me where the keys to the pickup are so we can get to the hospital. Come on – I’ll get the bags later,” he replied as he offered you his hand. You took it willingly and he helped pull your tired aching body from the seat. He held you for a moment as he looked at your hand – not letting it go. “Where’s your ring?” he asked quietly – immediately realizing you weren’t wearing it.

You bit your lower lip nervously as you internally chastised yourself for your decision. “I… I didn’t think now was the time to… you know,” you shrugged lamely. If you were honest it was partly for that reason, but also because it was a constant reminder of the nagging anxiety you felt when you thought about your future.

Bucky could tell that you weren’t being completely honest with him, but he knew that you loved Steve – regardless of your reasoning, and he reminded himself of that as he quelled the bubble of hope that rose inside of him. “You’re right, doll. Come on, let’s get going,” he said with a sad smile as he tucked your hair behind your ear. “They’re expecting us.”

* * *

The trip to the hospital was uneventful. Bucky was hell-bent on driving but finally relented once you pointed out that you were much more familiar with the area than he was, given that you had lived here for most of your life. You tried to stay as focused on the road as you could, but it was damn near impossible – which resulted in you swerving onto the side of the road several times –much to the dissatisfaction of your passenger.

As you entered the hospital you couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong. It drove you to walk quickly as you searched frantically for your mother’s room. As you turned the corner of a narrow hallway on the eleventh floor you caught sight of your family huddled outside of a room with a partially closed door. Sara, your eldest sister, was the first to see you as she pulled away from her husband and met you halfway down the hall.

“What…” you began in a choked whisper as you took in the sight before you.

“She’s gone,” she answered sadly as she embraced you.

You stumbled back from the embrace as you struggled for air. “But I’m here. I’m here. I’m here!” you said frantically as tears spilled from your eyes. “I… I didn’t know…. I…. but I’m here,’ you sobbed as you stumbled back into Bucky’s warm chest – his arms immediately wrapped around you. “I… Bucky… I didn’t get to say goodbye…”

Bucky felt hollow as he held you. He so desperately wanted to tell you that everything was going to be okay, but he knew the bitterness of loss. He had tasted it one too many times in his life. He tightened his embrace around your waist as you sobbed into his chest. “I know, doll,” he whispered soothingly. “Come on, let’s go say goodbye now,” he whispered sweetly as he helped guide you to the room.

As you looked down upon your mother’s body your last bit of resolve disintegrated. Bucky held on to you as you blubbered through your goodbye and your apologies for not being there for her. You knew in your heart that you had failed her by not being with her at the end, and it hurt worse than anything you had ever experienced. As you gently squeezed her hand you couldn’t reconcile the fact that while she was before you she wasn’t truly there. She was gone. The words you spoke would float endlessly through the air, but not to her. You closed your eyes as you leaned your head back on Bucky’s shoulder – the last of your bitter tears falling from your eyes as you succumbed to the numbness that death so often brings. “Take me home, Buck,” you whispered as his embrace tightened around you.


	5. The Letter

 

Bucky eyed you cautiously as he drove your dad’s old pickup truck back to your childhood home. You hadn’t spoken a word since you asked him to take you back home. You had just sat silently in the passenger seat until you had drifted to asleep. Bucky was worried – worried about the loss you had just faced and the pain that would haunt you for the rest of your life. He knew better than anyone about the impact of missed goodbyes. He sighed wearily as he ran his free hand through his hair. Your mother had welcomed him into your family with open arms. It had been the first time he had felt at home since escaping from H.Y.D.R.A.. He had never told you, but he had lived for the holidays and family events that you pestered him to go with you to.

Bucky pulled onto the long gravel driveway. He tried to drive as cautiously as he could, but the jostle of the small bumps caused you to stir. You rubbed your scratchy red eyes as you looked around. “We’re home,” Bucky announced as he shifted the truck into park before exiting and helping you out. He followed you quietly into the house – not wishing to say something that would upset you. He knew the house like it was his own – its smells and creaks made him feel at home as he followed you up the stairs to your bedroom. He watched as you collapsed onto your bed with an audible sigh. He lingered awkwardly – unsure as to what he should be doing. Deciding it would be best to give you some time to yourself he turned to leave, but before he could even take a step he felt a hand grasp firmly around his wrist.

“Where are you going?” the anxiety in your voice caused him to stop dead in his tracks.

“I was just going to go get our bags,” he answered – unsure of what he should do.

“Please – just stay with me,” you murmured as you kicked your shoes off and made room for him on the bed. Bucky immediately obliged. He would do anything you asked of him if it brought you even the slightest bit of comfort. He laid on his side and smiled sadly at you – tucking a stray hair behind your ear. Your eyes had been closed, but the soft contact of Bucky’s skin against yours caused a single tear to leak from your eye.

“Y/N,” he whispered gently as he brushed the tear away from your face. You opened your eyes at the sound of your name and the sadness that permeated them shattered Bucky’s heart.

“You will get through this – I promise,” he whispered.

“Bucky?”

“Yeah, doll?”

“I’m…. thank you,” you whispered softly. Out of all the people to be with you during this terrible day – you were glad it was him.

He smiled at you softly. “You know I’ll always be here for you, right?” he asked softly. You nodded your head at his declaration as tears welled in your eyes. Bucky gathered you in his arms as he brought your head to his chest. He held you softly to him until the comfort washed over your misery allowing you to drift to sleep.

* * *

Bucky moved carefully from you as he gently placed your head on your pillow. More than anything he wanted to lay with you and comfort you for eternity, but it didn’t feel right. He felt like he had crossed an invisible line, and was trying desperately to pull himself back. It was wrong – all of it was so wrong.  He ran his hands through his hair with a sigh as he descended the stairs. Less than twenty-four hours ago he had thought he had known what he wanted, but now nothing seemed right.

He walked out the door into the growing twilight quietly. The last thing he wanted to do was draw attention to himself. Perhaps he could retrieve the bags in the quinjet and unpack them. It would be one less thing you would have to worry about doing. He also wondered if your dad would be okay with him borrowing the truck one more time – he wanted to see if he could find some of your favorite movies. If he bought the entire Harry Potter series that would at least cover a couple of days’ worth of entertainment. He had been so lost in thought that the sound of your father’s voice from the porch swing startled him.

“Are you off already?” he asked Bucky, who turned around awkwardly to respond.

“I was just… I was headed out to get our bags from the jet,” he explained as he motioned towards the quinjet in the distance.

“Mind if I tag along?”

“Sure,” Bucky shrugged. As he walked beside your father he chewed on his bottom lip nervously. He wasn’t sure what to say… or what not to say. Bucky was only good at interactions when it came to you – everyone knew it. “I… I’m sorry,” he muttered lamely as he kept his eyes trained in front of him.

“Thanks James. She had been sick for a long time – just wouldn’t let me tell the kids how bad it actually was…. Especially Y/N,” he shrugged. He had always been one of the few people to call Bucky by his given name. Bucky knew he had reconciled himself with the eventual loss, but he also knew the pain the he had to be feeling. He was still surprised to hear that they had kept something so important from you.

“Why didn’t she want Y/N to know?” he asked perplexed.

“She didn’t want to uproot her life in New York…. Particularly her life with you,” he responded frankly as the two men entered the jet.

“With me? But…” Bucky had to swallow the bitterness of what he wanted to say. It wasn’t his place to say. “You know… she’s… she’s with Steve,” he added – slightly embarrassed.

“I know, son, but her mother also knew how much you both cared for one another. She didn’t need to worry about Y/N in the end because she knew you’d always be watching out for her,” he explained as they grabbed the bags and made their way out of the jet.

Bucky sighed as he thought about it. “But Steve,” but he was interrupted by your father raising his hand to silence him.

“Steve is a good man – in terms of a son-in-law he is every parent’s dream, but you – you’re a great man.” The frankness of your father’s words caused Bucky to grimace. If only he knew he was actually a monster – he had the two confused. At the end of the day – no matter how much he loved her – Y/N would always deserve to be with a man like Steve.

“Listen—I’ve done things in my past that I’m not proud of… terrible things,” Bucky muttered as he stared off into the darkness that was slowly consuming the world.

“Sometimes we have to walk through fire so we can be forged into the men we are supposed to be. This is for you,” he added as he handed Bucky an envelope. “She wrote it for you in case she didn’t get to tell you in person,” he added before walking back into the house.

* * *

You watched the exchange between Bucky and your dad from your bedroom window. You had woken in a panic when you found yourself alone. Because of this you found yourself spying on what seemed to be a private moment between the two men. As you watched the exchange you felt uncomfortable – you weren’t exactly sure why, but you knew whatever was in the envelope would justify it.

You sighed as you climbed back into the bed. This had been one of the worst days of your life, but the shock still hadn’t worn off. You could feel the hysteria prick at your exhausted brain, but you were still too numb. You knew it was just a matter of time. You would have to face the absence of your mother sooner rather than later, and you would keep facing it for the rest of your life. You wondered how Bucky grappled with waking up one day and slowly regaining his memories – only to realize his parents were gone. It must have been like losing them a second time. This realization squeezed at your heart uncomfortably. What was he thinking now? He had loved your mom – he probably took her less for granted than you did because of his past. Were you making him relive the traumas of his past? You flipped onto your stomach and buried your face into your pillow. How could you be so inconsiderate towards your best friend? He had leapt to your aid with no hesitation and the only thing you had thought was how glad you were that someone could make the decisions for you so you could mentally check out. First you let your mom down…. Now Bucky? What the hell kind of person were you? You grunted in frustration as the door to the bedroom opened. You didn’t bother looking up – by the sound of the steps you knew it was Bucky. The bed suddenly shifted with his weight as he sat down beside you.

“Doll?”

“Hrm?” you grunted in response.

“Sara made you a sandwich – you should really try to eat.” At the mention of food your stomach growled and you begrudgingly sat up and reached for the plate. As you ate in silence Bucky made his way to the entertainment center in your room and began fiddling with the DVD player.

After listening to him huff in frustration you rolled your eyes and pushed off the bed – leaving your empty plate behind. “Here – move.” He listened and scooted to your left. “What are you trying to do??”

“I… well… I know how much you love Harry Potter and your sister brought her boxed set over,” Bucky explained awkwardly as he ran his hands through his hair. You couldn’t help, but smile. “What?” he asked as his cheeks flushed slightly.

“I’m just… I’m glad you’re here Bucky,” you answered shyly as you grabbed his hand and squeezed it. As he looked down into your eyes everything stilled for a moment. You felt compelled to be nearer to him. You could tell that he felt it too – the magnetic pull towards each other. You just wanted to…

“Here we go!” he announced – causing you to jump as he finally hit the right combination of buttons on the dvd player. And just like that the moment – whatever it had been – was over.

 


	6. This Kiss

Bucky sat on your bed beside you as you both watched the movie. He mulled over the moment that the two of you had had. He could tell – you felt it too, but he found the timing to be inappropriate – if there was ever an appropriate time to be in love with your best friend’s girl. He loved you too much to take advantage of your feelings during a moment of weakness. He sighed to himself as you snuggled your head into his chest. You had fallen asleep by the time Harry had gotten to Hogwarts, but Bucky was afraid of waking you.

“Y/N?” he whispered softly, but the only reply he received was the sound of your soft breathing as you slept. “I’m glad I’m here too,” he continued before planting a light kiss on the top of your head.

To his surprise you smiled at the gesture and mumbled, “I love you,” before resuming your soft breathing.

Bucky knew you were asleep. He was certain of it because he knew you would never say those words to him – at least not in the way they had slipped off your tired tongue. He sighed deeply as he stared at the ceiling. Even now – just hearing the words – caused his heart to race and his palms to sweat.

You woke with a start. You couldn’t remember what you had been dreaming about but you focused your mind on steadying your breathing as your heart continued to race. You reached out blindly into the dark – looking for Bucky – but came up short. As your fingers met the empty blanket you sighed with disappointment. Bucky’s presence had been comforting since you had received the terrible phone call, and you found peace in his nearness. As you peaked through your lashes you saw is disheveled form crumpled on the couch. His mouth was slightly parted and his hair was in all levels of disarray as his chest rose and fell to the tempo of his breathing. Once again you found yourself unable to tear your eyes from him. You had never been like this before, and you weren’t really sure why you had so much of a pull towards your friend now. Maybe it was because of everything that had happened… Maybe it was because Bucky was the one person you could always rely on. You bit your lip at this thought. It wasn’t true of course. You had Steve, your fiancé. Steve would do anything for you, and at that thought you felt a wave of guilt again.

You pushed off the bed with a huff – wrapping one of your afghans around your shoulders as you quietly left the room. You needed some time to process – alone. The house was full of the sounds of its sleeping occupants as you strolled quietly down the hallway and down the stairs to the front door. The Kansas air was heavy with moisture – beckoning an early Summer day – as you walked amidst the twilight. You wanted to reason out the things that had happened in the last 48 hours, but you simply couldn’t. Instead you found yourself longing to speak with your mother. You walked aimlessly through the early morning haze as you continued to think until you stopped suddenly. You had somehow managed to find your way to the tree house that you and your siblings had once spent countless hours in. Of course your dad had replaced bits and pieces of it throughout the years to accommodate your nieces and nephews, but it was still more or less how you remembered it. It was the perfect place to think.

You climbed up the tree and, with a sigh of relief, found the inside of the tree house to be adorned with various blankets and pillows. Now that you were away from everyone you felt quite tired again. Maybe it was the walking, and the internal debates, but as you laid your head down on one of the piles of pillows you certainly thought there was more to it than that. With your mother gone you weren’t sure how you could navigate your way through life. Even after moving to New York you had found solace in the times you spoke with her. She had always been honest with you, and you longed for that honesty now. Too many things had happened too soon, and the thought of trying to process them made you choke for air. As you closed your eyes a part of you wished Steve could be with you, but for some reason that thought made you feel even worse.

Bucky stretched stiffly on the couch as he strained to open his eyes. Sleeping here had not been ideal – but it had been the respectful thing to do. He didn’t want to take up any space in the house as it was now teeming with your relatives. He sat up– rumpling hair hair with his hands. As he looked towards your bed his heart skipped a beat. You were gone. He wasn’t sure why he felt so worried suddenly, but he knew he needed to find you. He pushed off the couch and made his way through the house. When he noticed that you were no where to be found in the he made his way outside. Thunder rumbled in the distance with the threat of an early morning storm as he followed the small tell-tale signs of your presence. And that’s how he found you some time later as you slept in the mass of pillows and blankets in your childhood tree house.

As he gingerly climbed up the wooden planks Bucky laughed. He had never had something like this as a kid – just alleyways and rusty stairwells. He could almost see the younger you whisking yourself up into it – away from your imaginary foes – like a well guarded princess. As you came into Bucky’s view he stopped. He wasn’t sure what it was about the sight of you sleeping in the fortress of your childhood that he found so heartbreakingly beautiful – maybe it was the way the early morning sun cascaded over your face, or the peacefulness that you radiated as you slept. He made his way beside you – careful to not disturb your rest and laid on the other side of your pile of pillows.

As he watched you he couldn’t help but reach out to brush the hair from your face – eliciting a smile from you. Before Bucky could even react you laced your arms around his neck and brought your lips to his. The action caused Bucky to freeze – he wasn’t sure how to react or what to do. The feeling of your lips moving against his was intoxicating. Excitement ran wildly through Bucky’s body as you continued the action. He felt as if he had grabbed ahold of a live wire and was simply unable to break contact. As you deepened the kiss his body relaxed. In the back of his mind he knew he should stop, but as he wrapped his arms around you he reasoned with himself that you wouldn’t be kissing him if you didn’t want to. He longed for the moment to stretch into eternity as he entwined his fingers gently into your hair. This is what he had been dreaming of for years, and it was finally happening, consequences be damned.

And Everything was fine – until you opened your eyes.


	7. The Fallout

The last thought you had had before drifting to sleep had been about Steve – which followed you through your dreams. As his body moved near yours in the warm early morning sun you couldn’t help but wrap your arms around his neck and press your lips against his. Through the haze of your tiredness you had noticed that his lips felt softer as his stubble scratched against your face. It felt like he hadn’t shaved in a day or two which seemed odd. It wasn’t until you felt the coolness of metal against your cheek that you opened your eyes and pulled away in panic to find Bucky.

“I… god… I thought you were,” you mumbled frantically as you sat up.

“Steve,” Bucky finished the sentence for you. “I… I’m sorry,” he added miserably as he sat up beside you. You could feel a blush creep slowly up your neck as you looked at your best friend as he sat beside you. The sound of Steve’s name caused panic to bubble in your chest. How would you tell him about this? Would you? You weren’t completely convinced that you didn’t know it was Bucky. Regardless – it had happened, and there was no way to undo it. It was in that moment that you felt the uncomfortable sense of your life shifting. The sensation was jarring at first, but after the initial shock it felt as if something had snapped into place. You sat in silence unblinking as you stared at one another. You swallowed hard as you grasped your resolve before scooting closer to Bucky – until you were right in front of him. “Y/N, what are you…” he began to ask uncertainly.

“I just – I…” you whispered softly as you placed your hand gently on his face. Bucky’s eyes closed at the contact – at first with relief, but his features soon contorted to pain as his hand cupped yours and pulled it away. You opened your mouth to speak but a crack of lightening shot across the sky emitting a loud rumble of thunder – effectively cutting you off.

“We should go,” he whispered – not meeting your eyes – as he stood and pulled you up alongside him.

“Yeah… we should go…” you muttered as you slowly broke from your stupor before departing your peaceful dwelling. Something had certainly changed, but maybe it wasn’t for the better.

You walked through the field behind your house in silence. Before you could work up the courage to speak your mind the sky opened up and released a torrential rain. “Let’s wait it out in the barn!” You yelled over your shoulder as you ran through the walls of water.

You reached the barn completely drenched and out of breath. You were relieved to find shelter from the storm that seemed to be growing in intensity. “Buck?” You called as you turned to find Bucky running in behind you – hair soaking wet and his shirt plastered to his torso.

“I’m here. Are you okay?” he asked breathless as he peeled his shirt off and carefully placed it to dry. The action made you blush and look away.

“I.. um.. yeah I’m fine,” you muttered nervously as you desperately tried to wring your shirt dry.

“I can look away,” Bucky’s voice came from behind you – causing you to jump.

“What?” you asked startled as you turned to look at him.

“I can… I can look away so you can take you shirt off to dry,” he replied sheepishly.

“It’s fine Buck. It’s not like you haven’t seen me in a swim suit,” you answered with your best casual shrug. Of course – he also hadn’t kissed you until today either, but you decided to file that issue under things to think about later as you lifted your shirt over you head and tossed it next to his to dry. Bucky kept his eyes fixed anywhere, but you. “I think there’s a picnic blanket in one of the chests over there. I’m going to go check,” you explained as you tilted your head in the direction of the chest. As you turned your back to him you could feel his eyes bore into you. His look was the least of your worries as you rifled through the chest and procured the dusty picnic blanket. In fact, since the kiss – since that sudden shift – every bit of you longed for every bit of him. It was as if someone had pulled a veil from your eyes and suddenly you saw him for the first time. As you turned to walk back to him you nervously chewed your bottom lip. You weren’t reasoning with yourself anymore as you admired him. You were both here together – completely alone. Bucky had flown you halfway across the country and refused to leave you. He was here, and with that realization the words flew out of your mouth before you had time to bottle them up. “You kissed me back.”

Bucky’s eyebrows shot up as his face reddened. “I’m… I’m sorry, doll,” he managed to say as he nervously ran his hands through his hair.

“Why?” you asked as you sat down and wrapped yourself in the blanket – motioning for Bucky to sit beside you. Bucky obliged– careful to keep enough distance between you and him.

“Well to be fair… you kissed me first,” he chuckled nervously.

“Why did you think I was kissing you?”

“Why do you think I kissed you?” Bucky retorted. You could tell that he was going to try anything to continue dancing around the truth.

“That’s not fair – you can’t answer a question with another question,” you huffed as you crossed your arms under the blanket. You shivered suddenly. It was quite cool in the dark barn and the rain outside made it seem even cooler.

“Come here,” Bucky muttered as he wrapped his arm around you and pulled you close. His warmth immediately radiated around you eliciting a sigh from your lips. He chuckled softly as you rested your head on his shoulder. The feeling of his hand on your waist ignited the magnetic pull you had noticed in the tree house. Your breath caught in your throat as your heart threatened to burst from your chest. “Doll, what is it?” Bucky asked.

“Why did you kiss me back, Bucky?” you asked – making sure to keep your voice measured. Bucky tensed beside you – it was evident that he had no intention of talking about it. “I need to know. I need to hear you say it,” you whispered softly as you turned to look at him knowing that his answer could change everything.

* * *

Bucky wanted to tell you. He wanted to take you in his arms and kiss you. He wanted to never let you go. This was the moment he had been waiting for for years, but nothing felt right. “I…” he muttered uncomfortably under his breath. He felt gripped by panic. The words fell from his lips before he could stop himself. “It was just a mistake doll. It’s… it’s been a long time since anyone has kissed me like that, and I guess I just got caught up in the moment,” he answered matter-of-factly.

“Oh,” you muttered as you diverted your eyes to the ground. Bucky watched as disappointment played across your face. He wanted to tell you the truth of course, but he couldn’t. Not now – maybe not ever. He had thought that he had made up his mind – that he would steal you away from Steve, and he thought he had reconciled his conscious, but he hadn’t. You were too good – too beautifully broken for a man like him. He would ruin you, and he knew it. You deserved a man like Steve. “It’s stopped,” your voice snapped Bucky out of his self reflection as you stood and pulled your wet shirt back on.

“So it has,” he answered miserably as he watched you leave. “I did it because I love you,” he whispered sadly to himself as he hung his head in his hands.


End file.
